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The Foggy Bitch

by Salt Lake Whalefishers

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1.
Well I wrapped it up, should have been fine But the damn thing broke for the 2nd time Now she’s late, thought “oh great” Should have taken those pills on time Well I got so scared, had to build the nerve To tell her Dad and her Mum I should have been more careful And I should have been more fearful I hit her with a hot one. Well we had a little boy, bought him lots of toys He’s the captain of his pirate ship Then she poked holes in the rubber Now he has a little brother I had to put an end to this So I took a little trip across the border Down into Mexico Then this little seniorita said to drink all this tequilla We’ll before you hit the floor Chorus: Now I take a look back and I wish I had paid more Cause I walk with a limp and my balls drag on the floor I got a Tijuana special vasectomy But at least now they hang symmetrically I knew something was wrong When I looked at my schlong As I lie there naked on my back It wasn’t any shorter, it just looked distorted By the massive length of my sack I was only 28 and I thought it was great That the condoms were a thing of the past Now just to get it up I need a Viagra and a cup And a feather to tickle my ass. The first fornication after the operation I think I scared the neighbors when I cussed I was going for an hour And expecting quite a shower But I shot a cloud of dust.
2.
Whalefishers 03:10
I don’t know where I’m going And I don’t know what I’ve done But I’m on a ship in the Great Salt Lake And I’ve soaked myself in rum Our wives are told their jewelry’s sold For a harpoon and a sail And we’ll buy it back in a month or two When we catch a great big whale Chorus: We’re stinking, we’re drinking We’re having a good time We sing all night and we’re drunk all day We haven’t earned a dime And it’s scurvy, blimey If our wives are ever told That there ain’t no whales in the Great Salt Lake They’d make us stay at home They think it’s rough and they think we’re tough They’re proud to be our wives They said a prayer as we left our homes Hoping we’d come back alive There’s seagull shit all along the deck And the brine shrimp swim on by And the hold is full of as much beer As our wive’s jewelry would buy We haven’t got a need for a captain of our ship Cause you don’t need wind and you don’t need sails To take this kind of trip When the beer is gone and the rum’s all out And the whiskey is no more We’ll say goodbye to the Foggy Bitch And we’ll have to walk to shore.
3.
I don’t blame my parents they did the best they could But deep inside I knew that church was no damn good I couldn’t read the bible, still they baptized me At 8 years old I gave my soul away for free Chorus: They threatend me with hell if I didn’t choose the right So I tried to stay up on Saturday night So my parents couldn’t wake me But they drug me out of bed And off the church pounding morals in my head Please Excommunicate me from your Mormon Church First had sex at age 14, my mom found out She made me see the bishop If I knew what it was all about Then I would have done it sooner He scorned me with his rules I couldn’t pass the sacrament Those stupid fools At age 16 I couldn’t drive the car unless I went to church and acted like I believed I wasn’t free ’til I left California for Salt Lake City Where they understand me.
4.
Lightweight 01:58
Faucet sat and began to yell As the bartender served his drink “I can down a million beers and not even blink” “You’re full of shit” I said to him As a hush fell on the crowd “I accept your challenge, here we go 1…2…drink” Chorus: One turned into three and then they had a fourth Before they knew what was going on They both had hit the floor Lightweight, Yee-Haw Both men soon awoke with anger in their eyes They accused eachother of cheating Though they knew where the blame lies “Let’s do it again, and settle the score Once and for all” “I accept your challenge, here we go 1…2…drink”
5.
Moat 02:32
I’m digging a moat to keep the hamburglers out I’m digging a moat to keep the dog nappers from getting in Now I’m rowing to get my mail Cause the crocodile might eat my feet I’m digging a moat because missionaries suck And my god works through me in mysterious way I’m hanging “No Soliciting” signs Cause I don’t want to buy any of your god crap I’m digging a moat I’m digging a moat because I ain’t got a gun Got too many felonies, so I cant own one So now I’m hanging “Beware of Dog” signs Cause my dog Ezri might bite your face off
6.
I went down to Goligon Street I hoped by Shiva I would meet A girl to spend her life with me And a job that is my destiny Chorus: Oh…..Goligon Street Get me gin, bring me wine We’ll have fun long, long time Oh…..Goligon Street I got the girl on Goligon Street Tested Kama Sutra on me Buckets of love she poured on me Cause Rupees pour from my hiney Punjab would be a better place for me Than the shit I saw on Goligon Street She left me, I lost my job Now I’m just a Punjab slob
7.
One day I typed “girls not like my wife” And I woke to the sound of her sharpening a knife I swear it’s not on purpose, my darling I can’t spell Forgot the “O” in country, she says I’ll go to hell 13 windows open all containing porn And I can’t close them faster than she opens the door If I had my wits then I would hit delete But my brains are in my pants When I’m staring at the screen Busted again, she says you need Jesus The computer’s not my friend Cause it can’t keep a secret So I bought me a parrot to help pass the time Cause she says I need real friends to keep me offline I taught him how to talk so I took him to the pond I met a girl named Candy Beaver, parrots turn her on She’s got a webcam, likes to put on shows If I log on with the parrot, she’ll take off all her clothes Later that evening she got down to her thong The wife walked in, I turned it off “Candy Beaver’s gone” Busted again She says you need Jesus The parrot’s not my friend Cause he can’t keep a secret She tied me up one sunday I thought it was a treat But she dragged me to the car And drove me down the street I asked where we were going “I’m taking you to church If this don’t work, nothing will You’re acting like a jerk” Private meeting with the Bishop He kept prodding me for more Said he’d use it as a lesson Shook my hand walked out the door The wife’s pissed at me church will never be the same He didn’t mention details, he did mention my name Busted again in the name of the Jesus The Bishop’s not my friend Cause he can’t keep a secret
8.
You’re never gonna see Dick Cheney smile Unless it’s an evil grin You’ll never see a man with a mullet Become the President You’re never gonna hear the Pope say “You know those Hippies might be right” Unless they kill the Bundys Lower Uncton will never see light You’ll never see an empty locksmith class At the county jail Cell phone’s never gonna see the check That I said was in the mail I never read the Bible to the end Cause the main character dies You’re never gonna read on the back of a porn that it “may cause damage to eyes” Chorus: And I’m never gonna be as happy As I was when I was 10 Cause I’m never gonna see new episodes Of Peewee’s Playhouse again You’ll never have a decent staring match If you opponent has a lazy eye You’re never gonna see a charity Called “Drunks for Battered Wives” You’re never gonna see a helicopter Parked in my garage You’ll never tell if my flashlight’s on Cause it’s painted camoflauge You’ll never understand a single word That Irish Rover says I could be wrong, but I don’t think I’ll ever see A birth control shaped Pez You’re never gonna hear George W. Bush Say a smart thing on his own Unless you had a young boy with you You never got in Michael Jackson’s home.
9.
Strap On 00:58
She’s got a strap on penis and it’s just my size She’s gonna strap it on and do me all night She’s got a strap on penis and it fits me just right She’s the boss of me I got a strap on penis and it feels so right I’m gonna be the caboose tonight I’ve got a strap on penis and it’s just his size I’m the boss of him She’s got a strap on penis and the Coors on ice She’s gonna chain me down tonight She’s got a strap on penis and a look in her eye She’s the boss of me I’ve got a strap on penis and it’d be alright But we ain’t got no more KY I’ve got a strap on penis and he’s starting to cry I’m the boss of him
10.
Provo Girl 04:08
First saw her across the bar I could hardly stand Tall and slender was her frame Her neck a golden band Pilsner Please? and I asked her name Provo Girl he said Do you mind if I dance with her? He said, “Nope, but watch her head” So I took her on the dance floor And a bond was quickly found And people stared cause they knew that She’d be easy going down Sweet yet bitter was the taste So how could I resist? I pressed my lips against her And I had to take a piss So I took her in the bathroom And I opened up the stall Set her on the toilet And I leaned her against the wall Pants fell around my ankles The next thing you fucking know I had both hands trying to pry my tounge From the suction from the hole When I got my face free It was soaking wet But I didn’t care It was the best thing I had tasted yet Washed my hands, washed my face Went back to the bar But I still had to take a piss So I told her, “don’t go far” Urinal cake, urinal cake You are almost gone I’m in here cause I drank too much And my inhibition’s gone Do you have advise for me As I erode away your core “Treat her like a lady even if she is a whore” So I returned to where I left her And I did not expect 2 of my friends to be in the corner Sucking on her neck Could have been pissed but I decided To take it like a man I walked back to the bartender Said, “This time give me a can”
11.
Ezri No! 02:03
Ezri, I told you to leave my beer alone A 2 year old dog shouldn’t be drinking beer An appropriate age would be 3 years The wife’s not around, so maybe you can have a sip I’d offer you a smoke but how about a dip Ezri, I told you, you cannot drive me home You can’t hold your liquor because you have paws But that’s ok, it’s one of your cute flaws I wish you would ask before taking my ale Cause the way you’re driving will land us in jail.
12.
The first time I saw you was down at the court house In a dark room waiting for me You asked me some questions I told you no lies I trusted you to keep me free If I plead innocent will it go to trial? For I have no paid leave at work You see I just started down at the mine My wife any day now will give birth You told me that it was an easy decision You’ll probably pay a small fine And 6 months probation if you plead “No Contest”, but you won’t serve time You stayed in the back room as I spoke to the judge Those two words was all he’d allow He pounded his gavel, “You forfeit your bail And 6 months in jail, take him now” That was the last time that I saw my wife Disgusted, she called me a jerk She said, you’ll never see you’re baby girl And I lost this towns only work I spent the next 6 lonely months in a cell Just thinking about what I had done I trusted the words of a Public Defender If I had the money, I’d have won The next time I saw him was down at the court house A week after they set me free He asked me a question, I told him no lies I’m taking what you took from me I’ll never forget the look in his eyes That bullet went right through his heart I killed a Public Defender that day Now I sit in this cell here to rot.
13.
2 dollars is all i’ve got A mortgage payment And a bottle of Schnopps 2 dollars is all i’ve got Is this the end? Cause it’s so big I’m drunk from drinking But it aint working A massive hangover is all I’ll get My arm fell through that blood soaked window Fled the cowboys with my bindle Accusations are all I got Skittle-bop-bop-sha-do-be-da-do-do Flippin’ Pankakes Her boobies went sha-do-be-da-do-be-do-wah

credits

released January 22, 2013

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Salt Lake Whalefishers Salt Lake City, Utah

Nick:
Tenor Banjo & Vocals.
Jared:
Guitar & Vocals.
Drum Machine: Drums.

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