The Foggy Bitch

by Salt Lake Whalefishers

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released January 22, 2013



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Salt Lake Whalefishers Salt Lake City, Utah

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Track Name: Tijuana Vasectomy
Well I wrapped it up, should have been fine
But the damn thing broke for the 2nd time
Now she’s late, thought “oh great”
Should have taken those pills on time
Well I got so scared, had to build the nerve
To tell her Dad and her Mum
I should have been more careful
And I should have been more fearful
I hit her with a hot one.
Well we had a little boy, bought him lots of toys
He’s the captain of his pirate ship
Then she poked holes in the rubber
Now he has a little brother
I had to put an end to this
So I took a little trip across the border
Down into Mexico
Then this little seniorita said to drink all this tequilla
We’ll before you hit the floor

Now I take a look back and I wish I had paid more
Cause I walk with a limp and my balls drag on the floor
I got a Tijuana special vasectomy
But at least now they hang symmetrically

I knew something was wrong
When I looked at my schlong
As I lie there naked on my back
It wasn’t any shorter, it just looked distorted
By the massive length of my sack
I was only 28 and I thought it was great
That the condoms were a thing of the past
Now just to get it up I need a Viagra and a cup
And a feather to tickle my ass.
The first fornication after the operation
I think I scared the neighbors when I cussed
I was going for an hour
And expecting quite a shower
But I shot a cloud of dust.
Track Name: Whalefishers
I don’t know where I’m going
And I don’t know what I’ve done
But I’m on a ship in the Great Salt Lake
And I’ve soaked myself in rum
Our wives are told their jewelry’s sold
For a harpoon and a sail
And we’ll buy it back in a month or two
When we catch a great big whale

We’re stinking, we’re drinking
We’re having a good time
We sing all night and we’re drunk all day
We haven’t earned a dime
And it’s scurvy, blimey
If our wives are ever told
That there ain’t no whales in the Great Salt Lake
They’d make us stay at home

They think it’s rough and they think we’re tough
They’re proud to be our wives
They said a prayer as we left our homes
Hoping we’d come back alive
There’s seagull shit all along the deck
And the brine shrimp swim on by
And the hold is full of as much beer
As our wive’s jewelry would buy

We haven’t got a need for a captain of our ship
Cause you don’t need wind and you don’t need sails
To take this kind of trip
When the beer is gone and the rum’s all out
And the whiskey is no more
We’ll say goodbye to the Foggy Bitch
And we’ll have to walk to shore.
Track Name: Excommunicate Me
I don’t blame my parents they did the best they could
But deep inside I knew that church was no damn good
I couldn’t read the bible, still they baptized me
At 8 years old I gave my soul away for free

They threatend me with hell if I didn’t choose the right
So I tried to stay up on Saturday night
So my parents couldn’t wake me
But they drug me out of bed
And off the church pounding morals in my head
Please Excommunicate me from your
Mormon Church

First had sex at age 14, my mom found out
She made me see the bishop
If I knew what it was all about
Then I would have done it sooner
He scorned me with his rules
I couldn’t pass the sacrament
Those stupid fools

At age 16 I couldn’t drive the car unless
I went to church and acted like I believed
I wasn’t free ’til I left California for Salt Lake City
Where they understand me.
Track Name: Lightweight
Faucet sat and began to yell
As the bartender served his drink
“I can down a million beers
and not even blink”
“You’re full of shit” I said to him
As a hush fell on the crowd
“I accept your challenge, here we go

One turned into three and then they had a fourth
Before they knew what was going on
They both had hit the floor
Lightweight, Yee-Haw

Both men soon awoke with anger in their eyes
They accused eachother of cheating
Though they knew where the blame lies
“Let’s do it again, and settle the score
Once and for all”
“I accept your challenge, here we go
Track Name: Moat
I’m digging a moat to keep the hamburglers out
I’m digging a moat to keep the dog nappers
from getting in
Now I’m rowing to get my mail
Cause the crocodile might eat my feet
I’m digging a moat because missionaries suck
And my god works through me in mysterious way
I’m hanging “No Soliciting” signs
Cause I don’t want to buy any of your god crap

I’m digging a moat

I’m digging a moat because I ain’t got a gun
Got too many felonies, so I cant own one
So now I’m hanging “Beware of Dog” signs
Cause my dog Ezri might bite your face off
Track Name: Goligon Street
I went down to Goligon Street
I hoped by Shiva I would meet
A girl to spend her life with me
And a job that is my destiny

Oh…..Goligon Street
Get me gin, bring me wine
We’ll have fun long, long time
Oh…..Goligon Street

I got the girl on Goligon Street
Tested Kama Sutra on me
Buckets of love she poured on me
Cause Rupees pour from my hiney

Punjab would be a better place for me
Than the shit I saw on Goligon Street
She left me, I lost my job
Now I’m just a Punjab slob
Track Name: The Computer is not my Friend
One day I typed “girls not like my wife”
And I woke to the sound of her sharpening a knife
I swear it’s not on purpose, my darling I can’t spell
Forgot the “O” in country, she says I’ll go to hell
13 windows open all containing porn
And I can’t close them faster than she opens the door
If I had my wits then I would hit delete
But my brains are in my pants
When I’m staring at the screen

Busted again, she says you need Jesus
The computer’s not my friend
Cause it can’t keep a secret

So I bought me a parrot to help pass the time
Cause she says I need real friends to keep me offline
I taught him how to talk so I took him to the pond
I met a girl named Candy Beaver, parrots turn her on
She’s got a webcam, likes to put on shows
If I log on with the parrot, she’ll take off all her clothes
Later that evening she got down to her thong
The wife walked in, I turned it off “Candy Beaver’s gone”

Busted again She says you need Jesus
The parrot’s not my friend
Cause he can’t keep a secret

She tied me up one sunday I thought it was a treat
But she dragged me to the car
And drove me down the street
I asked where we were going
“I’m taking you to church
If this don’t work, nothing will
You’re acting like a jerk”
Private meeting with the Bishop
He kept prodding me for more
Said he’d use it as a lesson
Shook my hand walked out the door
The wife’s pissed at me church will never be the same
He didn’t mention details, he did mention my name

Busted again in the name of the Jesus
The Bishop’s not my friend
Cause he can’t keep a secret
Track Name: Peewee's Playhouse
You’re never gonna see Dick Cheney smile
Unless it’s an evil grin
You’ll never see a man with a mullet
Become the President
You’re never gonna hear the Pope say
“You know those Hippies might be right”
Unless they kill the Bundys
Lower Uncton will never see light

You’ll never see an empty locksmith class
At the county jail
Cell phone’s never gonna see the check
That I said was in the mail
I never read the Bible to the end
Cause the main character dies
You’re never gonna read on the back of a porn
that it “may cause damage to eyes”

And I’m never gonna be as happy
As I was when I was 10
Cause I’m never gonna see new episodes
Of Peewee’s Playhouse again

You’ll never have a decent staring match
If you opponent has a lazy eye
You’re never gonna see a charity
Called “Drunks for Battered Wives”
You’re never gonna see a helicopter
Parked in my garage
You’ll never tell if my flashlight’s on
Cause it’s painted camoflauge

You’ll never understand a single word
That Irish Rover says
I could be wrong, but I don’t think I’ll ever see
A birth control shaped Pez
You’re never gonna hear George W. Bush
Say a smart thing on his own
Unless you had a young boy with you
You never got in Michael Jackson’s home.
Track Name: Strap On
She’s got a strap on penis and it’s just my size
She’s gonna strap it on and do me all night
She’s got a strap on penis and it fits me just right
She’s the boss of me
I got a strap on penis and it feels so right
I’m gonna be the caboose tonight
I’ve got a strap on penis and it’s just his size
I’m the boss of him

She’s got a strap on penis and the Coors on ice
She’s gonna chain me down tonight
She’s got a strap on penis and a look in her eye
She’s the boss of me
I’ve got a strap on penis and it’d be alright
But we ain’t got no more KY
I’ve got a strap on penis and he’s starting to cry
I’m the boss of him
Track Name: Provo Girl
First saw her across the bar
I could hardly stand
Tall and slender was her frame
Her neck a golden band
Pilsner Please? and I asked her name
Provo Girl he said
Do you mind if I dance with her?
He said, “Nope, but watch her head”
So I took her on the dance floor
And a bond was quickly found
And people stared cause they knew that
She’d be easy going down
Sweet yet bitter was the taste
So how could I resist?
I pressed my lips against her
And I had to take a piss

So I took her in the bathroom
And I opened up the stall
Set her on the toilet
And I leaned her against the wall
Pants fell around my ankles
The next thing you fucking know
I had both hands trying to pry my tounge
From the suction from the hole
When I got my face free
It was soaking wet
But I didn’t care
It was the best thing I had tasted yet
Washed my hands, washed my face
Went back to the bar
But I still had to take a piss
So I told her, “don’t go far”

Urinal cake, urinal cake
You are almost gone
I’m in here cause I drank too much
And my inhibition’s gone
Do you have advise for me
As I erode away your core
“Treat her like a lady even if she is a whore”
So I returned to where I left her
And I did not expect
2 of my friends to be in the corner
Sucking on her neck
Could have been pissed but I decided
To take it like a man
I walked back to the bartender
Said, “This time give me a can”
Track Name: Ezri No!
Ezri, I told you to leave my beer alone

A 2 year old dog shouldn’t be drinking beer
An appropriate age would be 3 years
The wife’s not around, so maybe you can have a sip
I’d offer you a smoke but how about a dip

Ezri, I told you, you cannot drive me home

You can’t hold your liquor because you have paws
But that’s ok, it’s one of your cute flaws
I wish you would ask before taking my ale
Cause the way you’re driving will land us in jail.
Track Name: Public Defender
The first time I saw you was down at the court house
In a dark room waiting for me
You asked me some questions I told you no lies
I trusted you to keep me free
If I plead innocent will it go to trial?
For I have no paid leave at work
You see I just started down at the mine
My wife any day now will give birth

You told me that it was an easy decision
You’ll probably pay a small fine
And 6 months probation if you plead
“No Contest”, but you won’t serve time
You stayed in the back room as I spoke to the judge
Those two words was all he’d allow
He pounded his gavel, “You forfeit your bail
And 6 months in jail, take him now”

That was the last time that I saw my wife
Disgusted, she called me a jerk
She said, you’ll never see you’re baby girl
And I lost this towns only work
I spent the next 6 lonely months in a cell
Just thinking about what I had done
I trusted the words of a Public Defender
If I had the money, I’d have won

The next time I saw him was down at the court house
A week after they set me free
He asked me a question, I told him no lies
I’m taking what you took from me
I’ll never forget the look in his eyes
That bullet went right through his heart
I killed a Public Defender that day
Now I sit in this cell here to rot.
Track Name: Flippin' Pancakes
2 dollars is all i’ve got
A mortgage payment
And a bottle of Schnopps
2 dollars is all i’ve got

Is this the end? Cause it’s so big
I’m drunk from drinking
But it aint working
A massive hangover is all I’ll get

My arm fell through that blood soaked window
Fled the cowboys
with my bindle
Accusations are all I got

Flippin’ Pankakes
Her boobies went sha-do-be-da-do-be-do-wah