The Computer is not my Friend

from by Salt Lake Whalefishers

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lyrics

One day I typed “girls not like my wife”
And I woke to the sound of her sharpening a knife
I swear it’s not on purpose, my darling I can’t spell
Forgot the “O” in country, she says I’ll go to hell
13 windows open all containing porn
And I can’t close them faster than she opens the door
If I had my wits then I would hit delete
But my brains are in my pants
When I’m staring at the screen

Busted again, she says you need Jesus
The computer’s not my friend
Cause it can’t keep a secret

So I bought me a parrot to help pass the time
Cause she says I need real friends to keep me offline
I taught him how to talk so I took him to the pond
I met a girl named Candy Beaver, parrots turn her on
She’s got a webcam, likes to put on shows
If I log on with the parrot, she’ll take off all her clothes
Later that evening she got down to her thong
The wife walked in, I turned it off “Candy Beaver’s gone”

Busted again She says you need Jesus
The parrot’s not my friend
Cause he can’t keep a secret

She tied me up one sunday I thought it was a treat
But she dragged me to the car
And drove me down the street
I asked where we were going
“I’m taking you to church
If this don’t work, nothing will
You’re acting like a jerk”
Private meeting with the Bishop
He kept prodding me for more
Said he’d use it as a lesson
Shook my hand walked out the door
The wife’s pissed at me church will never be the same
He didn’t mention details, he did mention my name

Busted again in the name of the Jesus
The Bishop’s not my friend
Cause he can’t keep a secret

credits

from The Foggy Bitch, released January 22, 2013

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